I wish you could buy butterflies

Sometimes I wish our lives were video documented.
Even if in silence.

Everyone could have a library in their basement, and a rusty old player to watch memories on, right there. I wonder what parts of my life I would re-watch.

Perhaps driving away from Cemetery Hill
Perhaps driving down Granville.
Perhaps walking past Mac's at 8th.
Perhaps climbing the fence beside 52nd at 2am
Perhaps looking out my Gr. 8 classroom window towards the empty walkway
Perhaps every memory before that

I wonder what the world would be like then.
I wonder if we'd have less to lie about, and less to regret.
Even if temporarily.

Just a thought.

Dear Peter,

I'm over here. Still being ugly.

Love, Wendy

Messages in a Bottle

1. I'm going to be there for you, and I'm sorry I didn't take what you said more seriously. Get the help you need. So many people love you.

2. I really want to be proud of you, I wonder if that will ever happen. It feels really disheartening to make the same mistake over and over, you'll get it. I know it.

3. You are more than your body. Than your face. Than your past. ( - + - )

4. I miss you..

Dear Negatives

Please stop whining.
I feel so on top of the world. Why? Because I bring myself to that place, or I bring people into my life who have that influence.
Just because you don't like something, doesn't mean you can change it.
End of story.

Where Am I

Midterms are over, phew, and now I'm sick. Lovely.

Currently looking for a new place to live.

Honestly, only 2 months in, I'm really looking forward to school being done so I can take MORE courses to get where I want to be. I'm realizing that the written work of massage therapy will prove to be the most important. Taking all of these intense courses and building them into a career.

If I ever plan to get to B.C and survive there, I won't be an RMT. I'd be called a "body mover". No thanks. Oh life, where will you take me next?

Carly and Poppy just had birthdays. 23, 83. I love you both, so much.

Pole Level 3, begins Tuesday. I think it's about time I post something I've accomplished. The degree of difficulty is about to go sky high - exactly like my body will. I'll take some pictures soon. The human body is amazing, inside and out. I learn this more everyday.

I hope things settle down for you soon, Peter. They always do. Go clean.

Enjoy your vacation; grow grow grow grow grow.

Un - Easy

I wonder what it is brewing inside.
Would enjoy a sign.
Not a blind side.

My Calling

Oh hey! Look what I learned to do last night:

Pretty stoked on it. Not so stoked how much my inner thighs hurt, but it's worth it.

No Title

Today, I woke up to a text from "Carly Welsh"
For some reason that's how I felt I should save you in my phone.
Weird.

Deleted that today at 4:30.

What a day.

I'm at work, should have started and finished studying but I had a bunch of ACTUAL work to do, that was alarming.
And in addition, I have about 10 different things on my mind.

I go to school with a girl who really, REALLY reminds me of Ashley Winters. Her name is Kristen Penhall and she is growing to be one of my most favoured people. She's funny, she's intelligent, she's witty (and uses that wit to make fun of the same people as I would). She actually just posted something on my Facebook, what a coincidence.

I think it's quite ironic that just as Ashley leaves the country, her twin shows up. I haven't seen Ashley in forever, but I still find it odd.

I have seen some serious Moses action errupt from speaking to Kalie in the past, but none like the last 24 hours. I think I didn't stand a chance before it even started. Earlier in the day on Wednesday, 3 different people said to me

"I can't believe she hasn't texted you yet"

Call me naive, but I could believe it. I wasn't surprised when it happened. But I wasn't holding my breath trying to predict it, either.

I can't even post much beyond that, not here.

You tore me a new asshole today, and I honestly need you to know that it hurts. I don't try to be an idiot, or make terrible decisions. You hate her. Not me. And I have a serious problem, just yesterday you made fun of it. Just because I rarely cry doesn't mean you can stomp on baby's tear ducts..

With all of that in mind, I think I need to see someone. Like a doctor, or whoever the fuck tells you what is or isn't wrong with your brain.

Wouldn't it be wonderful for my Mom and I to bond over ADHD - after all, we already bond over weighing the same.

I kid you not, my Mom has lost so much weight she could be my body twin. Beth actually looked at her and said "MMMM"

That'd be creepy, except moments later I swing back with "Mmm.. Chair sex"

(Becky I'm so sorry, your wheelchair isn't a choice)

Regardless - WIN.

Pole Class Level 1? Complete.

Level 2 - Commence next Monday; we have to start wearing shorts. I think this is the part where I start to become familiar saying things like 'check out this sick bruise on my belly button' , 'wow - I have the biggest callus on my inner thigh'.

Excited..

School is getting really intense. I can actually feel a migraine creeping it's way into behind my eye.

Dear friends in Calgary:

My Practicum begins February 5th. 4pm-7pm.

Lemme touch yo body fo' a minute; 24 bucks.

And by a minute, I mean 60.

Every Friday after that as well. :)

Speaking of Friday, I'm hanging out with Eric tomorrow. I think we are gunna watch a movie or something. Feels good to forgive, forget, and be friends a bit.

- - - - -

Dear Beth,

I love you more than anything. I've lost track of how many times I've fallen inlove with you, too.

Bean

School Work School WOrk scool wrok scholo..wrk..s..w..

Semester 1

Physiology
Anatomy
Hydrotherapy
Pathology
Massage Theory
Massage Therapy
Massage Assessment
Practicum

Work
Pole Class
Floor Hockey

Sleep - questionable.

That's my life right now, in a nutshell. Beats out ;

Work @ Xerox
-

ANY DAY!

Aside from that, all is well. Things on my mind are as follows;

Last night was so much fun, Jodie returned from New Zealand this week and she came over.(As well as Brandy <3, Steph, Britta, Xian, JLV, Kelsey, Lana) We attempted to play Cranium for a while but it mostly consisted of a few rounds of insane screaming matches and spitting smarties into each others mouths. Don't have a CLUE why or how that began.

God damn, I'm gunna miss that little foreigner so much.

This girl at Twisted was absolutely gooned out of her tree, half naked and basically being fucked by half the dance floor. I couldn't believe the messiness. It was hilarious, nonetheless. Her friend actually said to me "You've gotta grind her hard" - like, thanks tips. Because she really needs that when her dress is falling off and some dude is potentially raping her at this very moment.

Bleh.

I am currently at work. On a Saturday. WHAAAAT is this about! Oh well. Should definitely start studying right after this.

Things that amuse me, currently;

-Tiffany is pregnant - that is so fucking cool! (I don't know why I chose
the word cool, could be great, amazing, supa! But there you have it)
-Love Triangles that DON'T involve me!
- How much I love you!

Tomorrow I have nothing to do! Cannot wait!